snow beautiful...

This past week when my area got over a foot of snow, I took this picture that looks out over my back deck. The look I was going for is quiet and serene. It was so beautiful...make that "snow beautiful!"

All my own...

So last night we had company over. It was our friends with their two girls. The kids had fun playing together and us grown-ups enjoyed some much needed conversation and even a glass of wine. But the best thing of all and the main reason for our visit with friends (other than the obvious fun time had by all) was that I got my own laptop!! We bought the laptop from our friend, it was only used a bit and we got it for a good price. Now I do not have to bother my husband all the time to use his and I can load anything I want, anytime I want. Pretty cool, huh?
Oh yeah, for fun I also ordered this laptop skin. It is pink, girly and all mine! And even better is that it is free after rebate from www.slickdeals.net

What "shoe-d" I have done?

OK, so today I put Genna in the stroller and walked the mile to the local library. It is one of her fave places to go hang out and play. On the way there one of the shoes starting giving me a blister. By the time we arrived at the library on the back of both ankles were blisters, one of which was bleeding. I asked the librarian for a band-aid which luckily for me they had. The rest of the time there I walked around with just my socks on to let the pain subside, LOL. When it was time to go I put my shoes on and started the walk home. Of course every time I stopped to adjust the shoes Genna would ask a million questions about why the stroller stopped moving. I got out to the parking lot and I just knew there was no way I could make it home because the shoes were digging into my blisters and causing lots of pain. I hemmed and hawed about whether or not to walk home in pain or call someone to pick us up. So what's a girl to do you ask? Well, I walked home in just my socks, and remember I live a mile away. What would you have done?

Long-time, No-post

It has been ages since I have felt the desire to put my words here. I have been in a bit of a funk. A funk with life I think. I have been trying to lose weight and trying harder to cope with the fact that I will not be having any more kids. And in case you are wondering these two things are unrelated.

My kids are growing up so fast and I am just not ready for it. My twins are nearing the end of kindergarten and the little one is almost finished with her first year of nursery school. I am starting to get into a routine of my own and have some free time which is kinda nice. But I feel this sadness on occasion that includes the "no more babies" issue. I have posted on this in the past so today is just about my life at the moment.


I am turning 36 this month and yet other than my wonderful kids I feel like I have not accomplished anything in my life. I am starting to wonder if I ever will. My husband and I are also celebrating our 10 year anniversary next month. We are going away alone overnight and I am definitely looking forward to that as well. I just want to have a purpose other than being a mom and I am not sure if that will ever happen for me.

Other than that no exciting news other than that Genna is finally potty trained. Whoo hoo!! I will try to put up some new pics of the kids soon :)

Growing up...

My twins, Allison and Ian, started kindergarten this month and so far I have to admit things are going quite smoothly. I really did not know what to expect from them in terms of going to a new place without me. They have adjusted well and are making new friends. The best part is the bus ride home on Fridays. Here are some pictures of them coming off the bus.





Genna has also started nursery school. She cries for a bit when I drop her off but I know that only lasts a couple of seconds. She is forever talking about her teacher and how she loves her and is constantly talking about her "friends." She is talking more and more everyday and gets frustrated when I do not understand what she is trying to tell me. I have also included a recent picture of my little "Genna-bean."



Here is one more precious picture of all three kids dressed up for a family gathering. It is getting harder and harder to get all of them looking nice, staring at the camera, sitting still and smiling.

Stop me if you've heard this before...

I am not sure why I was remembering this particular event in my life, but I felt I had to share it anyway. Here it goes...

I was with a group of ladies the other night. We meet once a month for knitting, conversation and lots of laughs. Everyone knits squares which are then put together for an afgan and then donated to different places. It was at this meeting that a discusstion started about parents and how they talk to their kids about sex, drugs, etc...

This is my story.

When I was 19 years old I finally had a boyfriend, it was about time. Of course I was one of those teenagers who always said I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. Of course at the time that I said that there was no boyfriend in sight, lol. Anyway, I decided to go to the gynecologist, figuring it was time to talk about options since my parents never spoke with me about these kinds of topics.

When I told my mom I had made the appointment she immediately assumed that I would be having sex and that she would have no part in it. By talking about birth control she already decided that I would have sex and that I should think about my parents, not shame them, and not give in to instant gratification. Things worth having are worth waiting for, blah, blah. blah, and if this boy really loved me he would wait.
I got the whole stroy about when she was young and not giving in to urges and how she felt when she was my age.

I kept thinking to myself that she had the perfect opportunity to make me aware of all the ways I could be safe if I did choose to have sex. Instead she made me feel isolated and that she did not care about me at all.

So...I had been dating this guy for about 6 months, thinking all the while that I wanted to have sex, but not wanted my parents to be disappointed in me. I did the adult thing and made the guy have an AIDS test. After the results came back and everything was ok, I decided that I wanted to go for it, I know, big shock right, lol, but I felt it was the right decision.

So, like a stupid teenage girl who wants her mother to like and respect her I decided tha I was going to tell my mom about the decisions I had made and hope we could have a heart-to-heart. I went into her room and asked if we could talk. I told her that I had decided to have sex, had the proper tests done so no one would get sick, used protection and felt like I was on my way to becoming an adult. No one had ever "schooled" me on the rights and wrongs so I was left to learn it all on my own. I thought she would really be proud of me. Not for the sex part obviously but for the being safe part. Boy was I ever wrong. She started to cry and told me to get out of her room. I left the house for awhile, maybe for a walk, but I do not exactly remember.

I came home later and found on my bed a letter from my mom. Basically it said that by having sex I had not only shamed myself, but shamed my family. It proved that I could not wait for the right time, for example the marriage bed, and to add insult to injury, she went on to say that the day I had told her about this decision was the anniversary of my grandfathers death and no longer would that day be sacred. It would be tainted with what she called "MY ADULT DECSIONS."

OH MY GOSH, right? I gave my mother the perfect opening for helping me shape what decisions may come up in the future. She stomped all over my heart and made feel like trash. However, I was never upset about my decision to have sex. I was upset with the fact that I told my mom and how she handled it. I hope that when the time comes and my children need help in these areas they will come to me. I know that no parent wants their child having pre-marital sex, but I would rather have an informed child. Needless to say, the sex was awful, the guy did not know what to do and I thought that was normal...I kept waiting for it to get better, the sex that is. I think after that I was not interested in sex anymore. Maybe it was my inexperience or his, it really did not matter. I always said that anything worth doing is worth doing well. So I just stopped doing it altogether. We dated for about another year after we had sex, but in the end, I broke up with him. I just knew that he was not my future. It was extremely hard to do, I thought I loved him, but I think I just wanted to be loved.

I knew if I waited the perfect man would come to me...and that of course is another story, lol.

Tossed aside...

I spent the first four years of my twins lives being the center of their existence. Mommy was all knowing, daddy non-existent. I looked forward to the day when I could sit back, relax and let someone else help with the daily grind. With my two year old, things are kind of following the same pattern. Except that with her I do not mind it as much since she was and still is such an easier child than my twins ever were.

Bedtime now is sort of nice for me because the older kids, who will be six in December, are really into their daddy. Most nights they say to me "we do not want you tonight." So I give them quick kisses and then take the little one in her room for our bedtime rituals. A few nights ago we had a babysitter and upon arriving home my husband and I went to check on the kids, something I do every night. I checked on my son first, oldest daughter then youngest daughter. When we walked into the oldest girl's room she was sort of awake. She smiled at me and I gave her a kiss. With my husband she immediately hugged him. It was cute and sad for me. I am not longer number one and quite frankly it makes me sad.

Tonight at the playground my son was on the swing and my husband was with him, pushing him. I guess he felt himself slipping so he adjusted his position and fell backward right off and landed on the woodchips flat on his back. It scared me beyond belief. I picked him up to make sure he was not bleeding and he then said, "I want daddy." UGH. Then the little one took a tumble off the climber as well and cried for daddy which is unusual because when she is hurt she always wants me. I am just not ready for the growing up and not needing me anymore. It really hurts...

My heart is sad...

Today was one of those days when I really needed a break away from my kids. Even my husband was getting on my last nerve. Let me explain...

I really want to have a fourth child but my spouse is not at all interested and I find myself wanting to be away from him right now. How do you tell the person you love most in this world, my husband, that you are not sure you can stay married to him because you are miserable all the time and all you want is a tiny baby?" I love my life most of the time, don't get me wrong, I really do not want to be selfish but my heart feels incomplete without another baby. Woe is me...


The problem from his standpoint, which is a good one, is that we do not have the finances or even space for another baby. Someone please explain this to my heart.